great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize