Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
