you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i think i have two assholes
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
