i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm passing your future prison.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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