this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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