I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
