Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
