I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
3pm strippers are depressing
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
