Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
