you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
