He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
now i know why i became what i already was.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize