Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Randomize
