i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
