God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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