I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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