Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
