I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
