Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
