Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
