I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
