guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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