Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Randomize
