I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
