Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Found your dick twin last night
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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