Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
