you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
