The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
