Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
