I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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