I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
