cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
