my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize