1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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