this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
