I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
