I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
