so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Randomize
