i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We're using joints as your birthday candles
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
