i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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