My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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