Got a toothbrush?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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