Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
