can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
