Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
it was like eating out sand paper
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
