I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
