good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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