how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
