He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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