I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
