i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
