i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
