meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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