How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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