Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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