Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Dicks are not precious.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
