I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
