Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
