Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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