Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
