'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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